[lAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUlE" PLAYlNG]
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna die
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]
You know, I went to a doctor recently, he told me to eat slower.
And I was like, "Why eat slower?"
And he said, "Because your body gets full...
... but that message that your body's full...
...takes 20 minutes to travel from your stomach to your brain."
It takes 20 minutes before you know that you've already been full for 20 minutes.
First of all, what a douche bag your body is...
...that it takes 20 minutes.
What's taking 20 minutes to get--?
If I stub my toe, I know it immediately, and that's twice the distance.
What is this message doing that it's--? It, like, stops at my tit:
"Hey, tit, what's up?" "Hanging out, what you doing?"
"I'm going to tell them that we're full."
"Get up there, you idiot. We're gonna get huge if you don't tell him."
"Oh, well, excuse me."
Then he goes off, "I'm not going yet," and goes down to my asshole.
He's like, "Hey, asshole, what are you doing?" My asshole's like:
[MAKES FARTlNG NOlSES]
That's how my asshole talks.
I-- l-- WOMAN: My God, you did not just say that.
[WOMAN LAUGHlNG]
WOMAN: No, I'm gonna go if you can.
Seriously.
[CHUCKLES]
What? Hi, could you stop talking?
You're making it hard for me to do my job.
Oh, okay, sorry.
It's okay, you don't have to be sorry, just don't do it anymore.
Okay. Okay, thank you.
Anyway, holy shit.
Always just gets me a little-- Sorry.
I was on a plane the other day and people on the plane--
You know when you're on a plane on the tarmac and you can't get to the gate...
... because there's a plane at your gate?
WOMAN: That happened to Mike the other day.
Excuse me? No, my--
Well, my-- Ha, ha. My friend, that happened to him too.
I don't care.
Well, no, my friend Mike-- Hey, nobody cares about your friend Mike.
Nobody cares about your friend Mike. Okay.
Nobody cares about Mike. Okay, whatever, it was funny.
What was funny? Unlike you. Ha, ha.
I'm sorry?
I said "unlike you."
It was funny, unlike me. Yes. Yes, I did.
Can I ask you a question? Go ahead.
What happened to the parade?
What parade?
The parade of stupid **** you were a float in.
I'm just curious.
Okay, that's not even funny. It's not?
No. Okay.
You sure? All right.
You're offensive. I'm offensive?
Yes. What do you mean?
You're making jokes about rape, and that's offensive.
You don't like rape? No.
You don't? No.
That's really weird, because, you know, you wouldn't even exist...
...if your mom hadn't raped that homeless Chinese guy.
Oh, my God.
However many years ago you were born.
No, listen, I'm sorry. I'm really--
It's hard to come back from that. But I am sorry. I don't-- I didn't--
I didn't mean that.
Look, can you do me a favor?
What? Can you please just die of AlDS?
Does anybody have AlDS who--?
That could put their dick in her face and get her started on that?
Anybody? Oh, my God. I could like-- I could sue you.
What? You can sue me? Yeah.
You know who I'd like to sue?
Everybody that works in the hospital that you were born at...
...because I would like to sue them...
...for not responsibly pulling your head off the second....
Letting you live was medical malpractice.
Can't you just, like, move on?
No, I can't. I really can't...
...because you're the worst thing that ever happened in America.
You're-- Seriously, it goes you, slavery...
...and then Pearl Harbor and 9/1 1 combined.
Those are the three.
And so, like, as an American...
...I feel like it's my duty to make you feel poorly.
And your mother's a whore.
My mother's dead. Your mother's dead?
Yeah. That's good.
It is. It is. You know why?
Because she can't make any more **** with her ****.
You did not just call me a C word. What's that?
Did you just call me a C word? No, I called you a ****.
Because you're a **** and your mother is one and she had one.
You know what? The moment you were being born...
...there was a guy walking by, he said:
"Hey, look. Some **** coming out of some ****."
MAN 1 : I'm glad you stunk.
Hey, man. That woman was a nightmare in there.
MAN 1 : The one who looked like the Fox News anchor?
She will not stop. The whole night she's been yelling stuff?
MAN 1 : She wasn't aggressive at first, but she's getting encouraged and it's building.
Yeah, but, you know-- Yeah.
I'm joking.
That was totally uncalled for.
Actually, no, it wasn't. You were talking all night.
That's what happens.
Well, I was participating. I'm allowed to participate.
Then why were you the only one participating?
Just think about that for a second. Why was it just you?
Because most people would never do that. Most people are polite...
...and they'd rather cut off their hand than hurt a show by talking.
That's what-- A good person wouldn't do that.
So you must be a bad person. No, I'm not.
Yeah, I think you are. No, I'm a good person.
Why? Why do you think you're a good person?
I just am. I know I'm a good person...
...and you have no right to talk to me like that.
Actually, I do. That's how that room works. I have a right to talk.
I'm actually paid to talk in there and to say stuff and people laugh.
You're not supposed to say anything. It's a show.
Oh, my God, get over yourself.
People come to shows and talk, that's what they do.
And it's your job to put up with it or learn how to deal with it at least.
I mean, why are you being such a baby? Okay, look, let me ask you a question.
Do you like your life?
Yes. So? No, I'm sure you do.
You're a student, you're happy, you have good days...
...and you have full and fun nights, right?
Yes. I'm not a loser like you. Yeah, see, that's the whole point.
You have a good life and it's just the way you want it to be.
These guys, comedians, me, these guys don't have a life.
This is all they have.
Their days are shit.
They don't have many friends, they don't have families. They have this.
The only good part of their lives is the 15 minutes that they get to be on-stage.
Maybe once a week, sometimes once a month.
And you took that 15 minutes, the one-- Just picture this.
The one 15 minutes that they would've had that they would have enjoyed...
...maybe for a long time, and you ruined it.
You took that away from them.
I know you think it's cute, but it's not. It's really-- It's a rotten thing to do.
And I don't know how you can think you're a good person...
...if you do things like that.
Honestly, I think you should be ashamed of yourself. I really do.
You have no right to make me feel like that.
I did nothing tonight, and you were just gross and insulting.
You're just one of those unattractive people...
...who are totally bitter against people like me.
That's right.
That's right. You're right. That's what happened.
That's exactly what happened. Thank you very much.
Good night. Good night. Good night.
[GROANS]
Man, you had a shot up till you did that last thing.
You think? Yeah, you could have turned that around.
Shit. MAN 2: She was about to feel bad.
You could be going to get a drink with her now.
She'd probably pay for the drink too.
Shit.
Hey, Laurie. Hey, you here to see Simon?
Yeah, he asked me to come.
Okay, he's finishing up a conference call.
Do you wanna sit for a minute? Sure.
You know, we never see you here.
Oh, yeah, well, I don't go out for the acting much anymore.
Oh, how come? I don't know, I'm not a good actor.
Oh, don't say that. No, it's okay, I'm just not good at it.
That's really neg.
What? It's really negative.
Oh, I didn't know because you only used the first three letters.
Yeah, I just think you have to go for it.
How do you know you're not the next Tom Cruise?
Because I just hate it, standing there in fake clothes and acting.
It just feels stupid.
Yeah, but if that's your dream-- See, it's not my dream though, Laurie.
To be an actor, the odds are so low that--
It's like saying, "I'm gonna be a cartoon dog with a jetpack."
That's what I'm gonna do.
I mean, that has just gotta be the dumbest...
...most irresponsible, stupid, stupid thing to wanna be an actor.
I'm trying to be an actor.
[PHONE RlNGS]
Yes, he's here.
You can go in.
Listen, l, uh--
I didn't....
I didn't-- I meant that, um....
You know, I just meant good luck, you know? I mean....
Hi, hi, hi. Hey, Simon.
For crying out loud, how are you? I'm okay.
Hi. Hey.
Long time no see. I know, I just haven't been around.
Listen, sit down, because I got incredible news.
Yeah? Louie. Louie.
Hey, Simon. I got you a part in The Godfather.
You mean another sequel? No, no, no.
Somebody bought the rights again and they're making another Godfather...
... but it's set two years into the future and it's all Jews.
Oh, my God.
I know, and I got you a part in it.
I got you a part. Heh, heh.
Listen, Simon-- Yeah, yeah, I know you.
No auditions, no acting.
But this, you don't even have to read for it.
You know what happened?
Matthew Broderick, who is starring and directing in this...
...he saw you on television.
And he personally called and wanted you to have this part.
You play a cop, you're in about five scenes...
...and they're all about your character.
It's huge.
Listen, Simon, I appreciate-- You're not saying no to this.
Well-- You're not.
This is not a no. I told them you're doing it.
I said yes!
Well, you may have to call them back. No.
You call them back. You're doing it.
Simon-- You're doing it!
Listen, Simon-- You're doing it!
Simon, look, l--
I came to you because I'm a comedian.
Everybody tells you if you're on-stage, you should also try to be in movies.
And, you know, I appreciate everything you've done for me.
You've been great, and you got me that Martin Lawrence movie.
[GRUNTlNG]
Simon?
[JOAN CRYlNG]
Oh, Louie.
Hey, Joan, I'm sorry.
He loved you. You were his favorite client.
Really?
[CRYlNG]
Sorry.
Hey, Laurie.
Are you gonna take that part in The Godfather?
I don't know.
He was so happy he got that for you.
You should do it. For him.
Okay. I'll see you later, okay?
[SNlFFLES]
Like this?
So, Matthew, this is Louie C. K. Hi.
Oh, hi, hi. Nice to meet you.
How you doing? Good. Thank you for--
Oh, yeah, yeah. I saw you on one of those late-night shows. You're really funny.
Thanks. Thank you.
This isn't funny, but I had an idea that you'd be good at it.
Thank you.
You excited? Sure. Yeah.
It's great.
Am l--? Can I just ask you a question? Am I one of the--? Am I one of the Jews?
What?
Am l--? Am I one of the--? I'll see you out there.
Okay.
I thought it was all Jews.
[SlGHS]
You-- You can't go in there.
Where's my father? Your father is dead.
Is that seriously how you're gonna say it? What?
Cut, cut. Uh-- MAN: Cut it.
Sorry.
No, well, look. Look, you're telling me that my father is dead.
Well, how do you tell somebody something like that?
Pretend my father's dead.
Your fa--? Your father or the character's father?
Is your father dead? Let's try again.
Okay, I'm really sorry. It's okay, don't say you're sorry.
Okay, okay. It's okay.
Okay, let's go again. We'll go again. Okay? I'm sorry.
You can't go in there.
Where's my father?
Your father is dead.
What the hell is that?
What? That face.
I didn't-- Cut.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, cut. It's okay.
I thought it was the way I said "your father's dead."
No, let's just go again. We'll go again. Okay.
You can't go in there.
Where's my father? Oh, your father's dead.
Oh, cut.
I'm sorry, what did--? That wasn't good either?
You can't go in. Where's my father?
He's dead. Well-- Uh-- Oh. Oh.
I forgot to say it was your father. Yeah.
You don't know who I'm talking about. Okay, I'll do it again.
You can't go in there.
Where's my father? Your father's dead.
Where's my father? Your father is dead.
That wasn't good, right? No.
I have to imagine your father's dead?
Yeah, right, you're telling somebody his father's dead.
That's why you say, "Your father's dead."
Your father's dead.
I don't know anybody whose father died that I was to tell them.
Right. I never did that before.
You can't go in there.
Where's my father? Your father's dead.
[SlGHS]
Do you--? How do you get--? Do you take the train here or--?
Uh....
We'll go again. Okay.
Are you--?
No, I think-- We'll go again. We'll go again.
Hey. Hey.
Hey, I'm really sorry about how it's going.
That's okay. So, what is it, are you nervous?
Not really.
What then?
I just don't like acting. I'm not good at it and I don't like it.
Look, uh....
Look, maybe you don't like acting, that's not my business.
But try and respect other people's work.
We're gonna move on and we'll come back and shoot your scene.
Why don't you take a walk and try to find it in yourself to give a shit?
Comedian.
Your father is dead.
You just can't charge whatever you want for things.
Last week, this can of soup was a dollar-thirty, now you're asking $2.
What, do you make it up as you go along?
Hey, do you have cakey, doughnuty treat things?
Yeah, in the back. Thank you.
This is supposed to be a business with set prices.
You know what? I think I'm gonna have dinner out.
Forget that. I don't want that soup anyway, it's too expensive.
And, oh, I would like a plastic bag because I have a lot of garbage.
[CAT MEOWlNG]
What's the matter, pal? WOMAN: You mind? Give me a plastic bag.
What you doing?
[MEOWlNG]
I don't understand. Please explain it to me.
Why would you charge a fat man more money than you would pretty girls?
[BAAlNG]
[MOOlNG]
[MAKES FARTlNG NOlSE]
[CLUCKlNG]
WOMAN: I'm gonna do all my business elsewhere. I'm going to the big supermarket.
You know, you can phone them. They deliver.
Of course you have to buy a lot.
So pack it all up. Give me a lot of plastic bags.
I use them for garbage and all that sort of--
Don't move, man. Give us the cash. Give us the cash.
Help.
Oh, shit.
Do something.
Drop it!
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, shit.
They don't give you guys real guns?
Yo, yo, shoot that bitch. Mama!
BLACK THUG: Hurry up, man, shoot him.
Mine ain't real either.
What?
It's my little brother's, man. It's a toy.
Why are you still pointing it? Why--?
Everybody knows it's fake. Put the gun away, man.
Oh, my God, you get out of here. BLACK THUG: Shit.
Get out of here. WHlTE THUG: Shit.
Some help you were. Lousy cop.
LOUlE: Sorry, l--
I'll pay for this. I already ate half of it.
LOUlE: Do it like this, when-- Just say it.
Instead of, like, exclaiming it, just say it. Go ahead.
Oh, my God. That was great.
Was that real? Did you believe it? Yeah, that was good.
Say it-- Say it-- lnstead of at me, say it to yourself this time.
The same way, just declare, saying it.
Go ahead. Oh, my God.
That's pretty good.
It's getting there. It's getting there.
I have all night, so.... Yeah? Okay.
You know what? I'm really-- All right, you know what? I'm sorry.
[LAUGHlNG]
[English - US - PSDH]